those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
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