Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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