Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Randomize
