i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
