I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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