Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Randomize
