Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
