1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
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