i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
