i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
