Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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