I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Randomize
