I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
