Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
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