I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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