The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
