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He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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