I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
