I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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