oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
