Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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