I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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