I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
