She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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