Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Randomize
