Someone shit on the floor
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
