have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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