the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
