When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
