She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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