I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
