There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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