I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
