My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
