For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
