So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
