I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
