i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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