Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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