i was born a porn star she said
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
