when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
