we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
