Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
