Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
