I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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