YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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