this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
