i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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