I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
