He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Randomize
