I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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