So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
