Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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