I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
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