It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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