uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
